Driving home I thought out a little ditty and figured I’d share.
Damn toilet paper you’ve become so hard to find, but we keep searching as we need a clean behind.
My frustration has reached its limit, and I think the shortage is just one huge gimmick.
But I’ll have to keep looking because not to be crass, but my spouse is tired of smelling my stinky ass.
Peace out fellow searchers. Signed Slightly.
signedslightly@gmail.com
I read an article at lunch today and really wanted to share it with you. It adds some levity to all this pandemic craziness in the news every day.
A Virginia restaurant took social distancing to a whole new and hilarious level. They feel like with all the craziness going on that people want to go out because they need to have fun, enjoy being out, etc. and since he can only sit half his restaurant tables with people, he filled the empty tables with mannequins. They are all dressed in 1940’s attire with some seated for dinner and some theatrically staged. One is even proposing to his girlfriend.
The feels like people wanna go out and see others and people really don’t care if they aren’t real people. I personally think it’s an awesome idea. Given the chance, I would sit there in front of everyone and carry on an entire conversation with the mannequin next to me.
Peace out fellow diners. Signed Slightly.
Someone asked me today, what’s the dumbest thing you ever told your kids? We all know Slightly doesn’t say dumb things, so I thought back to my parents. What things did they tell me growing up that I realize now not only made no sense, but were complete crap? I am sure there were more but 3 still stick with me even now. Those things you know are bullshit but still pop into your head.
Whenever I did something really shitty or was sorry I said something particular, my grandmother always said . . . . “Go to bed and you’ll feel better about it the morning”. What kinda of advice is that? Even today it makes as much sense. If I act like a douche or open my mouth and say something stupid, will going to sleep really make me feel better about it? I seriously doubt it. I’ll still be a douche.
Honesty is the best policy. This was my mother’s favorite and guess what, it’s bullshit. Honesty not only isn’t the best policy but sometimes it’s cruel and uncalled for. If your wife asks how she looks in a certain dress and you tell her it makes her ass look the size of a house, how is that the best policy? When you get out of the hospital, she’ll probably poison you. If your kid draws you a picture and you tell him it looks like something a psych ward patient drew, is that really the best policy? You likely scarred your kid for life. So while being an honest person is a good thing, teach your kids that honesty itself isn’t always the best response. You don’t wanna raise a little asshole that insults everyone. You know, like Slightly.
And my favorite – when you grow up you can be anything you want. Again bullshit. Not everyone can have the political instinct, savvy or corruption to be president. If you can’t afford an excellent education or get grants, loans etc, you can’t grow up to be a doctor, lawyer, CPA, chiropractor, etc. Not only money but mental capacity limits us to what we can grow up to be. Telling a kid they can achieve whatever job they want is the same as giving every kid a trophy at the soccer game. Don’t get me started on that screwed up bullshit.
In closing, stop lying to your kids. In life you win some and you lose some. So some basic advice . . . . if you act like a douche you can’t go to sleep and wake up feeling better about being a douche. Honesty isn’t the best policy or even called for if it hurts another person. And last but not least, we don’t all win, you can’t necessarily grow up to be whatever you want. Not everyone can be president or an astronaut. Strive to be the best at whatever is within your mental, emotional and financial capabilities to be.
Peace out and fellow questioners. Signed Slightly
Oh yeah, got some equally dumb advice from your parents? Feel free to share. signedslightly@gmail.com
I was glad to see Chevy, then Ford, bring back back some of the older car models we always referred to as muscle cars. The Challenger, Camaro, Mustang, etc. Those were the “cool” guys cars. Every guy wanted to own one and every girl wanted to date the guy that owned one. I can only guess how many kids lost their virginity in one of those cars. Parking at the movies, fogging up the windows. The good old days when you didn’t have to worry about being car jacked if you parked too long.
Today getting gas, a new 5.0 mustang pulls in next to me. Convertible, black out kit on all the lights and extended tail pipes. Ahhhh the car of my youth. Expecting to see some teen or 20 something pop out, imagine my surprise when out crawls a 70+ year old, dressed in a suit and tie looking like my accountant. Made me stop and think about a car show I was at back in January. Thinking back, it was mostly older men that owned the decked out new Challengers and Camaros. I guess at $30k for a car, I should expect that but I really didn’t.
So I had to ask myself. Are the old guys buying muscle cars the ones that owned an original and reliving their youth? The more I thought about it the more I think, nope it’s likely the nerds that could never afford to own one in school. The ones that drove dad’s station wagon. You know the jocks likely grew up to blue collar jobs and Honda’s while those nerds are now all CPA’s and lawyers who can easily shell out $30k for an car no matter how hard it is to climb out of.
Wonder if they are still fogging up the windows with your grandma?
Peace out fellow nerds and enjoy the ride. Signed Slightly.
If you are driving 40 in a 50 zone or worse yet, 20 in a 30 zone, that is certainly your choice. You likely think you’re a safe driver. Truth is, you’re a traffic hazard. I personally think you’re a total dick that should pull over and let the back up you’ve created pass, but being a dick, you likely won’t.
But I have to ask why the finger? Every damn one of you when passed wave that middle finger at the passing driver. Don’t say to yourself, not me, cause you know damn well you likely do it also. But I am at a loss to understand it. If I choose to drive the posted speed and carefully pass you, what the hell are you mad at? You’re the one tying up traffic. You’re the one forcing others to pass you. Many of whom are now pissed cause they have to tolerate you till they can.
So next time a car passes you when you are holding up traffic, put your finger down and tell yourself, wow I’m a traffic hazard and I need to pull over. Better yet, stay home during morning and afternoon commute times.
Peace out fellow drivers. Signed Slightly.
I promise it’s my last blog of the day but sometimes my ideas, thoughts and internal questions come in epic flows. Hence the name of my blog. Today it’s an interesting question from a reader.
She heard a local sheriff advising on social media that most agencies during Covid 19 will not be responding to some minor calls, including but not limited to, on that list was breaking and entering. As she states, it’s one thing for law enforcement to stop responding to certain crimes but what idiot decided to broadcast it on social media? Why not list what areas are now free crime zones. Wait I saw this in a movie. The Purge.
So anyway she asked, if the police will not respond to a breaking and entering call, do they respond for the call to remove a body or do you have to do that yourself? Like her, if you are found breaking and entering while I’m home, law response or not, you will be shot. That makes her question a very good one.
Since police said they aren’t responding, there was no reason for them to call 911. So now they asked, if they have a dead or seriously injured body in their house, do they now call 911? Does the sheriff come retrieve the body if dead? Do the police call an ambulance if it’s not a fatal wound? If not, does the owner have options on disposing of the body? Should she drive the wounded person to the hospital or call an ambulance? Will the police call the next of kin or does she drive over and let them know?
Since Slightly is not an attorney, I don’t have the answers but I can say it seems like dealing with a body versus an injured person seems like it would be a lot easier and more practical. So while Slightly does not promote or suggest any type of violence, I will say if you are found breaking and entering at my house when I’m home, the question as to who disposes of the body and who notifies the next of kin will be the only ones we’ll need to ask.
Hopefully your local police aren’t quite as foolish as the ones where our reader lives and doesn’t announce these things on social media. Be safe and defend your homes.
Peace out fellow gun lovers. Signed Slightly.
Ok ladies tell me I’m wrong. I know a man invented this. You ladies are too smart to think up something this crazy.
I ran across a link for a Babypod. What is this you might ask. Well being bored at lunch, I wondered the same thing. I know we give kids Ipads but are we giving babies electronics now to baby sit them as well? Inquiring minds want to know and so we can all know, I clicked the link. Now I can share and save you looking it but once you read this, I know you’ll google it anyway thinking I’m full of shit. At least the men will. Most women will likely laugh hysterically and scroll on past.
I know you’re on the edge of your seats. Waiting breathlessly to know what it is. So I will share. Babypod is apparently a blue tooth vaginal speaker. Yes you read that right. It’s inserted into the vaginal area and plays tunes for your unborn baby. You can even said you read it here first.
Now that my female readers have laughed themselves silly and logged off, men let’s ask ourselves, who thought of this? If you get your wife or baby momma one and she likes it, there goes any chance of sex. I’m pretty sure a speaker in there would make that out of the question.
Then it’s that age old question, who gets the remote? How do you decide what your future child listens to? Your husband likes rap and you like classical. You like show tunes and come home to find your baby loves SIr Mixalot’s I Like Big Butts. I could see this becoming a never ending controversy.
So my male readers, if you convince your wives to try this, give me a shout out and let me know how it works out. The females in my house are the ones that laughed and logged out. One suggested I could insert it other places using my body.
Peace out fellow music lovers. Signed Slightly
I swear today must be a day for stupid things to pop up on my google feed. Today I get an advertisement for vegan cat food. Exactly what dumbass invented this? Better question is what moron buys it for their cat?
Cats are carnivores. Meaning they are physically designed to eat meat. Their bodies require meat to properly develop and age. If you own a cat and don’t know this, you’re too stupid to own a cat.
If you are feeding your cat vegan cat food, do it a favor and give it away or open the door and let it run away. Also in case you didn’t know, if this is you, your cat hates you.
Peace out fellow non-vegan cat lovers. Signed Slightly
As you know I’ve tried to keep Covid 19 out of my blog but sometimes you hear something so obviously ignorant, you can’t ignore it.
Seven states have demanded everyone wear a mask in public beginning in April. Some even require businesses to refuse customers and employees to come in without them. What makes it even funnier, is most of those states have laws that make it illegal to wear masks in public. Many started as a way of stopping KKK members from covering their faces. So can they wear hoods again? My bank has a sign that says no hat or sunglasses. So I can wear a mask but not a hat? How dumb is all this really getting.
This bodes another issue. Masks are pretty much a one time use. Once you’ve touched things, then the mask has to be disposed of or washed. Well the ones you can wash are homemade and the CDC claims they are useless so am I required to use and wash a useless mask? Wait, now I’ll be required to buy mask material and a sewing machine, learn how to use it, then learn to make a mask. Which again according to the CDC is useless. This shit is getting more expensive by the minute. Pre-made masks are difficult to find and aren’t free. So if I can’t afford to buy them are the taxpayers providing them free of charge? If so, will this be like welfare where only low income people will get free ones? If so that’s a problem cause I’m already providing those people welfare and taxpayer paid health insurance so how can I afford to pay for my own mask.
I heard that Illinois, I believe it was, not only requires all residents and visitors to wear a face mask everywhere in public, but today announced it would be a requirement indefinitely. Likely forever. Are they nuts? I hope people revolt and refuse. Are they planning on arresting an entire state? Where do they plan on holding them since they are letting criminals out of jail? What crime will you actually charge them with? What about these states that claim they will charge a $1,000 penalty and jail? You let criminals go free but you’ll lock up my grandma if she doesn’t have one?
So here’s my opinion. If you want to force me to wear one, you better be providing me one or allowing me to deduct it on my taxes. And if you’re gonna try and fine me, you better go ahead and get my cell ready. Oh yeah, if I get Covid 19 in jail I’m suing the state.
So when you see this in public, remember it’s not a racial thing, it’s a state mandate. Guess that will get them spending money to define “mask”.
Peace out fellow germ phobes. Signed Slightly.
Ok I have heard it all. As you know I scour the news looking for new and exciting things to chat with you about. I love you all and want to keep you informed. Well after today, you might be too informed.
So, I ran across an article about a 32 year old mother, I can’t believe she didn’t swallow them, who claims to have a new way to prevent contracting Covid 19. She adds sperm to her daily smoothies. I know half of you just said WTF, but seriously, I don’t make this shit up.
She claims it an easy, vegan way to add something healthy to her daily drinks. I’m not up on the newest nutritional things, but does her boyfriend have to be a vegetarian to get vegan sperm? What if he eats steak for dinner? Is there a waiting period like going in the water after swimming?
My favorite part is she says while she believes it’s best used fresh, they have a long distance relationship so she freezes it in ice cube trays. Wait, if she has a party does she have to mark the cubes plain ice and sperm ice? I sure as hell wouldn’t drink anything from her house, vegan or not.
For those of you not in a committed relationship or don’t have a man as understanding as hers, not to worry, she recommends asking a healthy friend to donate. This prompts me to ask, are there blood test involved? Are there certain food items they should skip if you’re asking for donations? These are all questions I can’t answer but here’s one I can. Don’t call me. Slightly doesn’t make sperm donations strangers, well outside of a drunken party that is, and in those instances, please read my blog on hand sanitizer.
Peace out fellow smoothie drinkers. Signed Slightly.
Thanks to our reader, CPA Dude for the title reference.
Inner Thoughts of a Self Diagnosed Slightly Sociopathic Mind 