Inner Thoughts of a Self Diagnosed Slightly Sociopathic Mind

Saw something from a reader today and loved it. Thanks J. Hot for sparking yet another blog. Here is the meme she posted.

“Opinions are like orgasms, mine is more important and I don’t care if you have one.”

That so tops the old phrase opinions are like assholes . . . . . I even have a mug that says the difference between coffee and opinions? I asked for the coffee. Every wonder why there are so many jokes, memes, etc about opinions? It’s because in all honesty, no one wants to hear yours, except maybe your mom and only because she loves you.

But seriously, everyone has opinions and yes the old adage everyone is entitled to them is true. HOWEVER, you note that is in caps, you aren’t necessarily entitled to share them. In fact, unless it’s asked for you should just shut your mouth and keep it to yourself.

I see people make things or do things, show others and the comments are oh nice or oh I like it, but I’d do it like this or if I made one I’d do this or that. Seriously, just shut up and say it’s nice. They don’t need or want that negative crap. Unless someone walks up to you and says I did this or I made that, what do you think, don’t offer an opinion. Yes, as an adult you can say anything you want but it doesn’t mean you have to. You can be an ass but it doesn’t mean you have to be one.

I’m with J Hot on this one, mine is more important and I don’t care if you have one. In fact, if I want you to have an opinion, I’d give you one.

Peace out opinionated earth people. Signed Slightly.

Wow, I had to really think about this one. You wouldn’t think so as I haven’t pooped in a lot of weird places. When I sat down to write this what immediately came to mind was the weirdest time I’ve ever seen someone poop. Go figure.

Once while traveling, I stayed a few days with a friend who had a spare room. My second day there I got up first and decided I have time to take a nice leisurely shower. I took my shower and wandered out to the kitchen with making coffee on my mind.

As I came into the kitchen, I find my friend propped on the kitchen sink. While that was weird enough, I lost all control and burst out laughing with what I saw next. Thank goodness I had already peed or I’d have peed on his floor. In the sink was a metal mixing bowl lined with a plastic grocery bag which he was using to take a huge shit. I can’t lie. I gave him his privacy to finish but only because I had to go outside to compose myself prior to laughing my way into a stroke. To his credit he said he couldn’t wait but didn’t want to burst into the bathroom and take a dump while I showered. That’s the definition of a real friend.

Now that you know that, maybe mine won’t be so bad. While driving out of state I had to poop. Like an emergency situation, right now, can’t wait kind of poop. I quickly exit the the interstate, swing into a Kentucky Fried Chicken and rush in to ask for the bathroom. I almost passed out when I heard it’s out of order. Needing to go more than being embarrassed I quickly said men’s or women’s, I will use either. I had no hope of surviving when she said both were under repair and had no plumbing currently.

With all dignity gone, I quickly whispered to the cashier my request. I was left no choice but to rush to my car and shit into an empty KFC bucket. The irony is I don’t eat KFC cause it leaves me in the bathroom for an hour.

So hit me up and tell me the weirdest place you ever took a poop.

Peace out fellow poopers. Signed Slightly

signedslightly@gmail.com

Last night while shopping I came across a can I don’t see often but when I do I can’t help but wonder – WTF. Who named this product? I know you’ll be looking in the store if you’ve never seen it, but trust me, it’s there. That random can next to the Spam that is labeled Spotted Dick. Yeap you read that right. I’ll wait cause I know half of you reading just stopped to googled what is spotted dick. Question is, if you can’t find it do you ask the male stock clerk, do you have Spotted Dick? Should you mention, it’s in a can? Since most stock help is younger and likely never heard of this, it could likely result in you being asked to leave the store or reported for sexually harassing the stock help.

This prompted me to think about other weird named items. Granted most I’ve heard about are from other countries but seriously, who thought these up?

The FAG Detector – in even comes in 3 versions. It detects studs in a wall. I guess either way the name seems weird. Do I have gay men in my wall?

Japan has time release capsules but they are labeled “retard capsules”. Ok, even I’m not commenting on that.

When you see an item on the shelf called “Butt Buddy” what’s your first thought? Porn store? Nope. It’s to save your cigarette buts. Great thought, weird branding idea.

How about a teflon car lubricant called Bust-A-Nut.

Johnson’s makes a Bitch Spray. I know, you immediately put that on your sopping list for so many friends but it’s actually for female dogs.

How about a pillow soft toilet paper called Shit Begone. Ok I’d buy that just for the label, but I’m never buying latex gloves called In The Pink. Think that one through.

And last but obviously not least – a snack bar called Homo Sausage. WTH. I don’t care what country it comes from that is messed up.

Feel free to let me know what weird brands you run across.

That toilet paper prompts me to think about my next blog. So hit me up and let me know – what’s the weirdest place you ever pooped.

Peace out. Signed Slightly.

I reader wrote in wanting to know how they could repair their marriage after a spouse cheated. Hmmm, this might not be the best place for that type of question cause you won’t like my answer.

You don’t. A person that cheats, will always be one of two things. An actual cheater or a cheater in your mind. No matter how much counseling, therapy, etc you go to, you will always wonder any time they don’t answer a phone, come home late, etc. People who cheat are plain and simple, A PIECE OF SHIT.

If you’re married and want to sleep with a new partner, hey that’s your choice. Simply tell your spouse, I’m bored, I want a new experience, file for divorce and bang your way thru the phone book. Marriage, whether you believe it or not, is based on nothing but love and trust. Once one is gone, the other will never truly recover. You can lie and tell yourself it will, but you’re full of crap.

Most people won’t be honest and leave before they cheat for no reason other than they don’t want to chance giving up what they have in case the other thing doesn’t work out or isn’t any better. Many cheat cause they feel the sex is better somewhere else. Well if you like blow jobs, tell your wife you like blowjobs. You like kinky sex, tell your husband you’re into some weird shit you want to explore with him. Hell buy some handcuffs and vibrators and go to town. If your sex life sucks, you are part of the problem. People say women cheat for love, not sex. I call bullshit and the same logic applies. Tell you husband you don’t feel loved, file for divorce then go get your freak on.

I probably didn’t answer the way you expected but cheaters are cheaters. They don’t care how hurt or affected you are. Are you worried if I leave I’ll be alone? Well trust me, alone is better than life with a worthless shit.

Peace out. Signed Slightly.

A reader wants to know how to find yourself and continue your journey in life once you loose yourself or become “derailed”. Not sure if I can answered that in the deep thought way they had in mind, mostly because I don’t have a lot of deep thoughts. Slightly sociopathic, but rarely deep.

I guess my first question would be who decided you got lost in your journey? You or someone told you that you did? What makes one decide they are derailed in life? I sit sometimes and have the craziest ideas and thoughts. Does that mean I’m not on my path? Maybe but who decided my path? People quit jobs, leave spouses, quit school, etc. and wonder how to get back on their path in life.

Well, honestly. Wherever you are right now is your journey. We get to decide our path every single day that we are allowed to wake up. What was your journey last week may not be where it is today. Bottom line, every day we have to pick ourselves up, brush off whatever crap is left from yesterday and start back on our journey.

Maybe you decided in school you wanted to be a lawyer but couldn’t afford college so you’re a welder. That doesn’t mean you lost you’re way, it just means law wasn’t your path. Many of us never take the paths we planned years ago. But hell, look where you are and look where you can go.

Do you need a set journey? Live each day like it’s a whole new journey. Be kind, be funny, be giving but most of all, be a little crazy. If your journey has left you feeling tired, empty or other non feelings, brush that shit off. Wake up tomorrow and say out loud, today starts my new journey then go do something you’d otherwise never do.

Go the the store and just wander around and talk to strangers, go to a park and fly on a swing, drive until you’re tired then have lunch in a strange place. Be a little mean and simply don’t do things for people just because you want to say no for a change. There is nothing wrong with being a little crazy.

If nothing helps lose that derailed feeling, brush off the shit in life, realize you can start a new journey every day and then go volunteer at a homeless shelter. I did and I realized my journey wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Peace out derailed peeps. Signed Slightly.

A reader wrote in and wanted to know my thoughts on citizen’s arrest and tickets for dumb asses. On J. Hot, if only.

I can’t tell you how many times I would have loved to pull over even police officers not only for failing to do their jobs but plain dumb ass things. While I have the upmost respect for law enforcement, and realize they have a job few others would take, they need to realize they are part of the public as well. I watched one this weekend make a lane change and 2 turns in front of me and never once use a blinker. If you’ve read my prior blogs, you know how I feel about blinkers. Only assholes don’t use blinkers.

That drove me nuts enough, but seriously at the next intersection a pick up slides over in front of him less than 10 feet from an intersection, no blinker (that’s 2 traffic laws violated) and then stops to turn again not only with no blinker but no brake lights. Officer just ignored every infraction. Should not be allowable unless we can do a citizen’s arrest for dumb asses. I’m not going to ramble along about total assholes that don’t have brake lights on their vehicles.

So J. Hot, I am afraid if we could write citizens tickets for dumbassary, we’d likely have not only huge traffic backups from all the people pulled over, but court backed up for years. Because, as I am sure you know, the world is full of dumb asses. But oh how I would love the idea.

Peace out fellow dumb ass hater J. Hot. Signed Slightly

I wanted to shout out to one, if not my only, reader J Hot. Had a slight email issue but resolved that and saw your email this weekend.

Love the subjects and will let them ramble around my head a day or two and post some ideas for you.

Thanks for following my page. Signed Slightly.

Ever work with someone that drove you nuts? Just never seems to do even half their job? Forgets to do things that are a daily tasks over and over? Wants to run the office or needs to feel they are in charge and can barely get thru one day a week without screwing things up? That one that wants to do what they want, when they want and uses I forgot as an excuse? And every time, it’s always someone else’s fault. They are first to jump up and explain why someone else caused them to screw up.

This type of co-worker used to drive me crazy. I mean like slap the shit out of you crazy. Until last night. After another day of once again not doing a daily task that someone else then has to do, I thought, I’m seriously going to lose my mind or slap them. But I woke up in the middle of the night and realized, they aren’t just playing dumb. While not every case, in my office I finally accepted it’s what I have decided to call LMC. Limited Mental Capacity. They simply lack intelligence. Aren’t mentally capable of handling daily job tasks.

I watched that person today and realize I’m right. They sent an office wide memo out again saying why it wasn’t their fault they didn’t do the job again yesterday. Then I had to admit. They’re just stupid. They want to be in charge to hide the fact that they don’t have the intelligence to do the work they are hired for.

These kind of people still boggle my mind. It would be against my principles to take a job, be given a scope of work I’m supposed to do each day, then collect my check each Friday knowing I was being paid for work someone else has to do. I can’t imagine it not bothering me that I was getting paid while other people had to increase their work load to cover my share and I take the pay for it. Not to mention, I could not work in an office knowing everyone else thinks I’m lazy or stupid.

So here’s hoping you’re the one who covers the slack in your office and not the LMC employee. Cause you know your office likely has at least one.

Peace out fellow annoyed employees.

Signed Slightly.

I know we have all heard about the new Popeye’s chicken sandwich. The debate rages on. Who has the best chicken sandwich? Popeye’s or Chick Fil A? I’ve read so many articles saying this is the first time a rival has taken on Chick Fil A. They have a market share no one has challenged in a long time. Even McDonald’s at one time tried to get a share of the chicken sandwich business with the southern fried chicken sandwich. I guess it failed as that sandwich is no longer on Micky D’s menu.

So the results are in, at least in my book. Chick Fil A has nothing to worry about. While I am not a huge fast food fan, I do enjoy a tasty Chick Fil A sandwich and in fact, just had one on Monday. As usual, it was delicious.

So today when someone mentioned Popeye’s I thought well why not and had them bring me back the now famous Popeye’s chicken sandwich. To be fair, I had high hopes. I wanted to love it as we do not have a Chick Fil A close to us. But alas, it was not to be. I wanted that flavorful, nicely fried, even breading to chicken ratio sandwich. That was not what I got.

First mayo. Ok but I would have preferred to order mayo on it. The bread was soggy and not appealing visually but let’s be honest, the chicken is supposed to be the star. Hmmmm, no. I got my mouth ready for that chicken that they said rivaled the famous one. What I bit into had absolutely no flavor. It was kind of like eating wax chicken. It was tough to the extent that every bite pulled big pieces off the sandwich that you couldn’t bite thru. I even tried pulling off the bread and just eating the chicken but it was still a tough, tasteless chicken sandwich.

Chick Fil A you still reign as king of the chicken sandwich world. What I had today would have to improve about 200% to even be called a comparison. Standing by your Christian believes alone gives you my respect but hail the chicken sandwich.

Peace out fellow chicken eater.

Signed Slightly.

Ever notice if you are doing something mindless and have nothing to occupy your thoughts, you start to wonder and think up weird ideas and questions. Mine is when I’m waiting some place and I have nothing to read or do. Sometimes they are based on something you’ve seen or heard and sometimes they just develop on their own. I thought I’d share some just for fun. Disclaimer – you can clearly see the name of my blog.

Plants are actually farming humans. They give us oxygen till we die then we become mulch they eat.

When I’m asleep my brain makes up stories and then I’m afraid of them.

Using an egg to bread a chicken breast is total disrespect to the chicken.

Whether you’re murdered or assassinated simply depends on how important you are.

Ever wonder if the entire galaxy is populated and they ignore us hoping we’ll figure it out eventually. Stop and think, aliens invaded the moon in 1969.

Tobacco companies should fund cancer research. The minute we have a cure you know tons more people will buy them

If you’re blind and reading braille would you freak out if it said “do not touch”

My dog understands a lot of human words and I understand none of his, so which one of us is smarter.

I wish tombstones included a cause of death.

Almost every hand I’ve ever shaken has had a dick in it.

I’ve seen someone else’s butt hole more than I’ve ever seen mine.

Depression is like being in an abusive relationship with your own brain.

I’m not afraid of being left alone in my house, I’m afraid of not being alone in my house.

There is no evidence that today is Tuesday. You just have to trust that someone has kept track.

I realized I will be the last person in my lifetime to die.

Some of my other thoughts are best left off paper, or electronic postings but my therapist says I’m not alone in those thoughts so I feel okay.

Peace out fellow thinkers.

Signed Slightly